at this age...

One of the best things I've discovered about dating at this age, is that the men I'm dating are already old. Oh, okay... middle aged, that age group that gets bigger and bigger the older we get. Anyway, there are some little known benefits that come with dating 'middle aged' men. Well, like their eye sight for one thing. Hey, I'm not being mean here, it is just a fact, that they don't see as well as they once did. Really, 20-20 can be a bit over rated.

Just the other day, I was realizing I needed a pedicure. I had no time, then I realized, the toes weren't that bad and besides he doesn't see that well, I'd be just fine!

Just who am I dating?

Haven't you heard it said, that men marry their mothers. I don't know if it is true for women. I can tell you for sure, that the first time around, I did NOT marry my father. I may, however, now be dating him! It is just an odd feeling when he says or does something that is so reminisent of my dad. It is made weirder still by the fact that they have the same name. In times like this I call them Joe 1 and Joe 2.

I've heard it said...

I've heard it said, that the best thing about grandchildren is that you get to enjoy them, spoil and then.... send them home.

There are times, that dating in mid-life is a bit like that, enjoy him, spoil him or he spoils you and then.... send them home.

Hope or Fear

I've just realized that fear and hope can not exist together. I can not hold hope, unless I am willing to let go of fear. I am working fairly diligently on making better decisions and creating new patterns of behaviour and thinking. This is a bit harder than one would imagine, because my knowledge is of a relationship that had patterns and behaviour that was not healthy and ultimately did not work. Figuring out my 'part' in that and not repeating it, is an on going process. All of which makes me more whole and healthier, which also makes me a better partner and a better mother.

I find myself practicing new ways of behaving, and then double checking with those I trust. "Is this what healthy people do?" I've got to tell you this transition is a lot of work. However, therein lies the 'hope'. New healthy behavior, to lead to a healthier relationship.

New behavior is hard, but doable. Letting go of fear is the next step. Once I realized if I want 'Hope', I've got to let go of 'Fear', it all seems a bit clearer to me. I'm excited, yes a bit a trepidation, but looking forward once again to the possibilities that life has to offer.

What do you call him?

I am dating one man. I can handle saying that. I can say, "Oh, the man I'm dating". I can even call him by his name, which happens to be the same as my father's, but I think I already went over that dilemma.

However, I get tongue tied and trip all over the words at, oh alright then, b..b..boyfriend. I mean he is 55 years old for heaven's sake! He hasn't been a boy for a very, very long time, in fact his boys are almost not boys anymore.

Clearly we need a bit more vocabulary here. 'Boyfriend', just sounds... funny, odd and weird. 'Man friend' sounds like something from a Frankenstein movie. To say, 'my friend' sounds gay and I although I happen to adore gays, I am not, so that doesn't help. There are a few other words I could use, but they actually only get me into more trouble.

When I told him one lunch that one of the kids had called him, my 'boyfriend'. He just smiled.

Why adults need Internet dating sites

My daughter is in Jr. High. The key to surviving this painful passage of life is to have a good friend. I'm witness that all of life's pains and joys are better shared with a good friend or friends.

When you're in Jr. High and you 'like' someone, a good friend plays a crucial roll. They are the one who literally pushes you into the boy you like when passing in the hall. Once you get pushed into them, you have the opportunity to speak with them. Simple isn't it?

Once you're an adult having your friend around at the right moment to 'push' you into some handsome man in Starbucks, is just a bit more complicated.

Mixing dates and kids....

Mixing dates and kids and why you don't want to do it! My kids are wonderful, but, well, human and teenage humans at that! Up to now, I've been keeping dates away from them for the kids' sake. Now, I believe I'll keep them away from mine or for my date's.

When my kids meet my friends, they have a polite and passing interest in them.

When my kids meet a date, they have a polite, yet a puffing of the chest and a drawing a line in the sand interest in them. Wow, who knew!

Do you have any idea how much a 14 year old girl can talk? Entertaining for sure, overwhelming, well at least to me!

Gals remember when you use to bring home a guy to meet your dad? Well, that is nothing compared to a date meeting your son! Especially when although the son may not have a license to drive, he does shave and can truly look the date in the eye.

After sharing all of about 25 minutes of dinner with my date, my artistic, peace loving son summed it all up to this:

"Mom, he seems smart enough to treat you well and if he doesn't I'm pretty sure my brother and I can take him"

Internet dating a bit like Disneyland

I took my kids to Disneyland. We had a lot of fun, got tired and yes, spent a lot of money and my feet hurt. Memories made...

Waiting in the twisting, rambling lines, you get to see a lot of humanity. Most of it families or couples. About these couples, there sure is a lot of unique pairing that happens in life! The curvy girl with boys boxers showing, the curvy girl with her boobs showing, the Swedish boy using Snuff (who knew this still existed), tattoos galore, beards, bald heads and piercings, young and older and of course fat and fatter.

Looking at the men in these lines I realized, that the variety of people on an Internet dating site is very similar to these guys in line. There were plenty of men in those waiting lines, however, there were very few I'd like to get on a bobsled or pirate boat with, much less let them buy me some ears!

However, there were a few, which is the whole point. It reminded me of the the diversity of the world, and all the possibilities that exist. It is also helpful to remember once again the necessity of being patient, while 'in line'. There are a few men out there, and they may be worth hanging in there and waiting for the fireworks.

Movie date

Movies are great. Movies are fun. Movies are a start...

When you are a dating teen, you go to the movies, because your parents are sitting at home and you need someplace to go.

Now I'm an adult. I own the home. I had a movie date, because my kids are now sitting at home!

A new match????

A got a new 'match' from an Internet dating site. I know I'm suppose to be open minded. Well, one can only open up their mind so far, before it starts to look more empty, than open!

I couldn't even begin to make this up, because I know none of you'd believe me! I hardly believe it myself, not that there is anything innately wrong with this man, it is just that everything is wrong as a match for me.

For starters, I reside in the state of California and southern California at that, he's in Wy.

I'm almost 50, he is 45.

He has 3 photos. One at work, okay, nothing wrong with blue collar workers, so picture #1 is neutral.

Photo #2 - the caption reads, "Look at my new tattoo".

Photo #3 - yes, folks for me this one is the kicker! A photo of himself, his large gun and the deer he'd just shot.

So, this is a 'match', how??? I don't even want to go camping unless there is good wine, really good coffee, an almost real potty and I don't have to really sleep on the ground. I sure as hell, am not skinning a deer!

The up side of those teens 'dating' as well..

We've a whole houseful of potential daters, well, except for my daughter who is 14 going on 36. She's not allowed to 'date' yet, but that doesn't keep her from falling in love and being concerned about her outfit. (Do people still say, 'outfit'?)

Anyway, dating does keep you 'cleaned up'. The living proof of that is currently upstairs. My teen age son's room is clean. I mean, it looks like I've been in there! The bed is made and made well! You can actually sit on the chair and there are no empty water bottles laying around, no clothes on the floor or school books and papers spread every where. Why, such a phenomena? A girl, of course, a cute girl at that and she's come to 'hang out' with him on his birthday.


Definitely an up side to this whole growing up, dating thing....

Being Careful who I date

I try to be careful who I date. After all it is a big, big scary world out there and one must be cautious. I've seen some scary stuff! However, nothing is more frightening than the thought of dating men with kids younger than mine.

My darling children are currently 20, 17 and 14 (going on 2 or 42 depending on the given hour). I saw this very lovely man, whose profile was more than intriguing, but then I saw he has 2 daughters and they are 10 and 13. Yikes!! What if I like him? I don't want to go through this teen age thing again, and I'm here to tell you girls are much harder than boys! Teenage boys are like being on a Roller coaster, with ups and downs, a few sharp turns but all in all doable and at times a bit exciting. Teenage girls are more like a cross between a Merry-go-Round and that ride from my youth, The Hammer Head! Fast, furious, no telling when the motion would change and guaranteed to make me sick, then sweet and simple again.

The man I'm currently seeing has 2 teenage boys and they live with him. The good news with this, is that when his kids are being bratty 'teens', it reminds me, that mine are really pretty good. Or like today, when one of my darlings managed to remain sullen for 7.5 miles of the 8 mile drive to school, because of my outlandish request that their sandals be picked up, he 'gets' it and reminds me to just enjoy the silence.

Compromise

If I haven't at 49 figured out that life is full of compromise, all I needed to do was go to on-line dating.

Often it happens in the first minute of reading a profile or looking at their pictures.

Ugh,he's got tattoos, but he's got hair.
Yikes, he's old, but he's tall.
Wow, what a great smile,ah, with his grandchildren...not sure I'm ready to date a grandfather (although it has happened).
Come on! Put your shirt back on, what are you thinking!
If that girl is not your sister, why is she in the picture...sheesh!
Okay, faithful fan, but do you have any clothes with out that team's logo on it?!?


Thank God that I don't know what compromise they see when they read my profile!

Those profiles

Profiles are just a peak and I often just don't understand them all that well. I can't tell you how many I've read, that say they have a wonderful sense of humor and the glass is half full. That may well be true, but then how come not one of their pictures shows them smiling?

Being optimistic by nature doesn't help me much. For instance, if their profile talks about 'loving to cook', unless it says "I love to cook. They do not mean your cooking with them, they mean your cooking for them! I for one find cooking completely over rated and only enjoy it when it can be done about 3-4 times a week.


I'd say about 80% of the profiles I've read say that 'they love walking on the beach'. I'm pretty sure the women's profiles run about the same average. Honestly, ugh! If all these people were really walking on the beach, it'd be really, really crowded! Not only that, some of these guys haven't been to the beach in years! I personally find walking on the beach over rated. After all, it is really hard on your feet and there's never a Starbucks in site. Hey, I love to walk, but I just don't need to go to the beach to do it.

New math

Regardless of the actual numbers of it all, middle age is going to be whatever I am now. I realize that this is a definition of new math, as I don't actually know that many 98 year olds, but that's just tough. I've got enough to deal with with this dating stuff without truly acknowledging that I am old!

Here I was just getting comfortable with little old people. In fact somewhere in the last 10 years with my parents aging and passing away, I come to just adore what I call the 'sweet olds', those dear people who could never be confused with those 'crabby olds'.

Do you know what I had to meet last weekend? Children!!! Yikes! I know I've been meeting my friends' children for years, but that was always a bit more like crowd control. I know how to do that, "No standing on the couch with Oreos and scissors in your hands, only two people on the trampoline at a time, do not poke the dog and do not even think about flushing that!"

Prior to last week, I have NEVER met a date's children, had to shake hands and act, well sane. Good heavens, I quickly gave up on that one. This is a come as you are party for sure, after all I was meeting teenagers and they are going to love you or hate you just because. The reality is that teens are in their own world and for the most part, they kind of don't care what or who their parent dates, which is a really safe place for the dating parent. My two teens at home will respond predictably if they may happen to be introduced to a date, my son will say "he seems nice" and my daughter will say "he's old". Usually, both are true.

Not completly blind dating

A friend has a friend....

Who knew that this would end up being more frightening than dating through the Internet! I guess although it has taken 9 months, I've found my comfort zone on this roller coaster of dating and the Internet certainly is a part of that. I mean, it is just me and them. If 'they', those men, don't like me, delete my profile or never contact me again, none of you will ever know.

But dating a friend of a friend of a friend, wow, that might be too close to home. Also, he lives in the next town, practically in my back yard!

So far, all I've been brave enough to do is gather the vital statistics, tall enough, reasonably old enough, sane enough, divorced enough, employed enough....

This is like dating under a microscope. I'll just think about it until I'm brave enough.

Where?

Except for a tiny bit of traipsing around, I have lived in Southern California all my life. My Internet profile says that I am willing to be 'matched' with someone who is 50 to 60 miles away from where I live. No big deal right?

In my opinion after living here all my life, I should not read the name of a man's town and respond, "What? Where?" I've never heard of some of these places! And you know why?? Because they are no where near civilization or actually even in this state!

The Internet sites call this 'flexible matching'. I call it ludicrous! Meeting at Starbucks for a latte is out of the question with these 'matches' not only because they are too far away, but because there are no Starbucks in these towns, if there is actually a town at all. If I want to date someone far away, at least I'll pick someone who lives in someplace I want to go.

My kids are enough

This is a unique time in life for my kids and myself! Not only do they have teenage angst, but they also have a parent who's dating. That is something that I have not experienced, and never expected to have them experience as well, but here it is. When I was a teen my parents embarrassed me all the time, after all, they were old, they were bossy and my dad was a dead ringer for Rodney Dangerfield, but at least they didn't date! As for my kids and I, I'm sure I have the better end of things, after all, I have them!

They keep me focused on the most important 'thing' I am doing with my life right now, which is raising them. There are probably days that they feel they are 'raising' me, but such is their path! I am a wise parent, but very naive in worldly ways, so they are often explaining the world to me. Telling me, that no one says that any more, complete with eye rolling that my language is so 1970s. Yes, it is true that I do use words that embarrass them, like 'neat' and 'terrific', which are just such great words. I refer to these as my "Marcia Brady vocabulary", however, when did people stop saying "with it"? As in, that is so 'with it'. This comment never fails to get major eye rolling complete with heavy sighs from them. Hey, I've had a lot to learn in this last year, clearly a new vocabulary has not been a part of it!

They may find my vocabulary lacking and know that I have the ability to embarrass them to no end, by such horrific things as having fun in public, laughing too loud or the worst, praising them in front of other people! However, for me, they are my landing place. They honestly believe in me and what a gift that is. They do not think I'm too old or too fat or any of the other 'toos' or junk I might carry around in my head. Really, all in all, they give me enough to go on!

Why I'm glad most of my friends aren't dating!

Back in the dark ages of high school and college, most of my friends and I were in the same 'dating boat' and let me tell you, those were some rocky seas! I'm delighted to be one of the only one of my friends dating, because you all help keep my 'boat' steady out once again on the rocky seas! Yes, as I've admitted in the past, it does take a village to get a girlfriend ready for a date. It takes a committed, intuitive, resourceful village to get a girlfriend ready for a fancy date.

Clearly, I've not been getting out into the adult world much! Okay, that's not entirely true, I've been to Parent teacher meetings, choir practice, book club, work and I even sit with adults at those high school football games. However, none of these events require heels, hose or out of the ordinary undergarments! Once again, I'm learning something new! A friend loaned me a "body shaper" much like a slip/bra/straight jacket guaranteed to smooth the tummy down, while keeping the 'girls' up. For the first time in my life, I got stuck in my underwear. I thought for a little while I was going to require help from the kids to pull mom out of the this 'slip', the body entrapper. I don't care what my friend says we are NOT the same size! Still, I am enlightened and now know exactly what to buy to go under my new red dress, however in a size that actually encourages breathing and movement.

The response of the 'village' to this fancy date, reminds me in a way of an Amish barn raising. The community has been summonded and they have flocked in with skirts, tops, dresses and undergarments to assist in outfitting and building up one of their own. This is community and I just can't do life with out it!

Oh, and the red dress.... fabulous!

Life in the here and now

A gift or a curse, I've no idea, but I'm currently living most of my life in the 'here and now'. The only long term plan I seem to have is to continue to launch, catapult and turn loose, my noisy, messy, opinionated kids/blessings out into the world.

So, why am I dating, well, for the here and now, I guess (said with a shrug). The companionship, the fun and ability to share today's life with someone else, as it turns out the messy stuff as well as the fun stuff. Oh, yes and for that spark that only a man does bring into my life.

It seems, that there are more things I don't know than do know! (And do not a one of you tell my kids I said that!) I know the following about dating at 49:

1- it can drive you crazy
2- it can make you feel young
3- it can make you feel old
4- it can make you feel pretty
5- it can make you feel alone
6- it can be fun
7- it can be empowering
8- see number 1

Things I do not know:
1- if I'll ever get married again
2- if I'll want to get married again
3- if I'll move and if I do, where I'll go
4- what I'm doing in two weeks, let alone on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter or for that matter my birthday (still 6 months away) the big 5-0!!!

My point is this, I maybe over doing this 'just for today' attitude, but to some extent it is really all I can handle right now. Today, although we as a family seem to be dealing with some crazy stuff life's thrown our way, we are okay. We've a roof over our heads, there's food in the refrigerator and the kids are pretty great!

....and there is a man I'm dating who thinks I'm pretty great too, well life in the here and now, may just not be so bad.

Those little round...

Pills. You know you're in the next phase of life, when everyone you know takes some kind of pill. And it has nothing to do with "THE PILL". It is just about life, being in this age and stage. It is no longer a surprise that someone you are dating takes a pill, it's just which 'one'. The other night I was having a 'late' (10:00pm) night talk with a 'match' and getting ready to call it a day, so I took my 'pill'. Whereby my 'match' remembered he needed to take his 'pill', so in essence we took our pills together. Sheesh, talk about feeling old! There are times that dating makes you feel young, taking your pill with someone is not one of them.

Luckily so far, I've yet to run into anyone who needed or admitted to taking that little blue pill, it is blue right?

Don't mess with my coffee...

Seriously, I know how I like my coffee and that's the way I like it. (Insert a tiny bit of foot stomping here). My children and even some of my friends know exactly how to order Lola's latte.

I think of myself as open minded and ready to try new things. However, don't mess with my coffee! Visiting my son in Spokane recently there is nothing short of a caffeine supply, with drive threw coffee hutches on almost every corner. They had great names also, "Brews Brothers" being just one of many. My question to Corey, "Where's the damn Starbucks?"

I dated a man who roasted his own coffee beans and then ground them and the water temperature had to be just right, to 'make the perfect cup of coffee'. Guess what, I didn't like it. Sure it smelled good, sure I was impressed that he knew how to roast coffee beans, but really, just bring Lola her latte.

I've even been told, that I might be a tad 'spoiled' because I actually like having my coffee in bed. Well, if that is the case, I've come a long way baby and am learning to 'feed the inner Princess'.

So from now on, I'm going to use my latte addiction as the litmus test for men. If they're trying to change my brand or don't know how to order Lola's latte or think it is too expensive, well then I'll just say.... next!

As for the rest of you, Lola likes a Grande Vanilla X-hot latte!!!

How did they get so smart?

At 20, my oldest son is learning the valuable lesson of sometimes keeping one's mouth quiet and confessed how hard it must have been for me to do so at times! A sign of maturity for sure, as we all seem to know people who've never learned this valuable tool.

Also, at 20, I'm amazed at how smart he has gotten, after all this is the same young man that just 2 years ago kept a case of TP in his car, in case of a 'TP-ing' emergency!

He phoned me after a date, wondering how it went. I told him the truth, "Corey, dating at my age is just a bit weird!"

He said, "Mom, I got news for you, dating is a bit weird at any age"

Curfew?

There are two very important reasons to try to schedule dates, when my teens are with their dad. The first is that I do not mix dating and kids. The second is that I don't want them to know when I get home. No! I'm not wild or loose! But there have been a couple of dinner dates that went so well, that I got home close to midnight. Yeah, those were some very great dinners!

Do you have any idea what it is like to get a text from your teen, wanting to know where you are and why you're not home? Hey, I'm the mom, so I don't have a curfew! However, if 'they' think you're out too long... well, your sunk, because you probably are. Remember, whatever I might say can be used right back at me, so "loosing track of time" is a very, very bad reason to be 'late'.

I few months ago, I tried to just have an 'appointment'. That worked pretty well, since in my business, I do have a lot of appointments. However, this was actually a first meeting, where we decided to contect at the zoo. Three hours later, they (those teens) were wondering where in the world I was and what kind of 'appointment' I had. The only trouble now is that if I say I've got an 'appointment', they want to know, is it an appointment-appointment or a 'zoo appointment'!!!

All in all, it still seems best to keep them out of the loop, date after dark and keep 'them' in the dark!

Intro lines

Granted deciding to go onto an Internet dating site, may be the biggest hurdle. Once that is past, however, the 'opportunity' to come up with an intro line is nothing short of challenging. The advice is and I quote, "Grab people's attention and introduce yourself". Oh, great, witty and wonderful all in one line, oh yes, and remember there are thousands of people on line, so make it look original.

I can't tell you how much this challenged me and how often it got changed, looking for my 'fit'.

I imagine men have been as equally challenged. Their intro lines, have managed to amuse, confuse and horrify me.

Here are the following and no, I'm not clever enough to make this stuff up!

"Blue eye Teddy Bear seeks Honey Bunny"
"Hello"
"Fisher Guy seeks great catch"
"Cuddly & Smart seeks Same"

Then the scary ones:

"Stop wasting your time and mine" - opps, maybe a little angry here, click next!
"Let's create a little secret excitement" - no photo, want to guess if he's married?
"Looking for a pillow queen" - more honesty than I can handle
"Dominant Dan seeking Submissive Sally" - just creeps me out

But my favorite, of course are funny!

"Can't find my keys"
"Work in Progress 'Manager' Neeeded"
"Housebroken, Good with Children"
"What! I thought this was a refi ap"
"Hobo, pushed off train"

I knew I was in trouble with this, when I turned to the teens for help. Their advice is mostly unprintable. It actually took me months, but I'm finally comfortable with mine now. Okay, okay here it is, "life is an 'E' ticket"

After that, my first line says, "If you are too young to know what an 'E' ticket is, you are clearly too young for me to date!"

Witty, wonderful and catchy? Probably not and that is OKAY. A bit reflective of me, definitely and that is after all the whole point!

Oh, yes, and I've a date that actually brought me, an old 'E' ticket....

Measures of in-compatability

Okay, I've been 'quiet' perhaps even 'nice' until now with a particular Internet site, but enough is just enough. I won't mention which one, but you'd have to be living in a cave to not figure it out.

The site in question keeps a lot of the 'control' over their data base of interested singles. They have you fill out a long, long questionnaire, which easily takes over an hour. Then they send you potential 'matches'. A few at a time, but they feel that these are specifically matched for you. I've never had more than 8 (a high) matches at any time. I have never openly emailed, talked on the phone or obviously had anything resembling a date with any of these men. Oh, yes, my monthly fee was still collected.

The site tells you to be patient, they are only matching you with other highly compatible personalities. Well, let's be real here, this same site has sent me 'matches' from Oregon, Utah, Nevada and Arizona! Hello, I live in Southern California, with children, dogs, a business and a garden. Coffee in Nevada is just a bit out of my 'matching' zone, no matter how 'open minded' I may be and trust me, I am a bit open!

Then they've got this math problem. Yes, we old (my kids told me I'm old) folks still find it more comfortable for the woman to be at or near the height of her date/match. Once again, hellooooooooo! I am 6 feet tall, which equals 5'12", so matches at 5'8" are still 4" inches shorter than me, yes and this is with OUT heels! Guess what, we don't like this, so again these are not matches, yet this is the majority of the 'highly' compatible matches I've received.

The worst part is being treated a bit like a child. "They" know what is best for me, ahhhh, I don't think so. This is my job, help if you want, however if you can't help, well get out of the way... oh yeah, and cancel my account or give me my money back!

Not for the faint of heart

Dating in general is not for the faint of heart. I realized today, that dating me is perhaps especially not for the weak or those who do not have an affinity for chaos. There is a lot of life happening in this house! Although there are days, that I'm sure I'm loosing or have lost my mind, I truly wouldn't want it any other way.

There are the two dogs, one who will attempt to cover you in his own dog hair and offers unconditionally love and acceptance. The other has a vicious bark and often uses it on men she does not know. She is not easily won over and makes me feel safe. Enter those teenagers... oldest son although away at school is still referred to as "Killer" (see previous ramblings), son #2 keeps us amused and our calendar FULL and child #3 a teenage girl, who has all the resemblance of Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde with a heart as big as Texas and who has just figured out that I'm currently dating a man with the same name as my father, which is freaking her out!

Last night we added a German exchange student for the next few weeks, so 'son' #3 also has a list of activities, an engaging personality and is working on his English.

This weekend.... my older sister arrives today, my younger sister, partner and toddler arrive tomorrow. 4 bedrooms, 2 baths and a whole houseful of folks! Another memorial celebration to attend, for the woman who was a 2nd mother to us. There will be chaos, crumbs and clutter.

Although there was an offer of date #3 being at yet another funeral and coming along, I have respectfully declined and opted for a quiet lunch downtown today instead. After all, there is only so much you want to expose even the brave to at one time!

All weather hugs road....

My little car needs new tires. I got a recommendation from a trusted friend and called Juan for tires. After explaining that I had a little car and drove around town a lot as a Realtor, he said, "So, you want inexpensive, reliable and quality". "Yep", I said, "In fact that's what I'm looking for in a man too".

Romantic Teens

My teenagers are romantic people. They are absolutely 'into' the nuances of romance. They love it and are impressed by it. They especially find it dear when done for their mom. Maybe they are just considerate individuals or perhaps if I am going to date, they need to feel it is going smoothly. I believe that there is just enough high drama in their own teenage life, that they are unable to handle any more in their mom's. After all, if mom is going to have any crazy drama to deal with it should be delivered by them!!

I do not mix my kids and my dates. Well, at least not in the flesh. They do as we know call me during dates, want to know who I'm talking to on the phone and try to offer their input. They also like a 'recap' of sorts after a date, limited best to what did you do, did you have a nice time and he brought you flowers? Wow!

The fact that date number 2 with Mr.B was a funeral brought out chorus's of 'ohhhhh' from them both. Well, see I had to sing at the funeral and he wanted to be with me, so he came, ahhhh, yes to a funeral. You know, maybe my nuts (kids) did not fall far from the Oak tree. I think the kids are right, "ohhhhhhhh".

Who knows, if we had a good time at a funeral, imagine what Disneyland could be like... stay tuned this event is on the calendar...

Bagage Space?

The amazing thing about on line dating, is the opportunity to review, preview or 'discuss' potential 'issues' prior to even meeting or better yet, choosing to meet or choosing to hit the delete button. One of my favorites is 'baggage' and yes, this is exactly how it is referred to on line.

First of all, if you are 50 years old and do NOT have some 'baggage', where exactly have you been? At this point in life, we all have some kids, parents, bad bosses, good bosses, a great career, a disappointing career, illness, success, failure and joy. If you've been a monk and are dating for the first time after leaving the monastery, I'm really pretty sure, that I do not want to date you, yet. Get some more 'baggage', then we'll see.

The request by both men AND women is often seen as "please no baggage". What are these selfish egotist thinking? My theory is that these type of people are so busy with the mess that is their own life, they don't have any room or empathy for anyone else's life. If you still can not get through a meal with out crying about the mess your ex made of 'your' life, or the fact that your mom always liked your brother better or that your life would have been perfect, if your child had just been able to win American Idol, perhaps you should be spending more time with a therapist, and less time on-line.

However, for the rest of us, the issue is not whether you have 'baggage', but rather how it is packed. When venturing out in life, do you have multiple large bags, latches broken, clothes sticking out of the sides, continually dropping a trail of undergarments where ever you go, bumping into people and unable to focus on the joy, energy and excitement of the trip? Or does 'it' all fit in colorful, matching totes? Neatly packed, room for a beautiful gown or hiking boots, bottle of wine or camera, ready for the adventures of living and the opportunity to share what has become your life?

'Baggage'.... bring it on...

Protection, no NOT that kind!!!!

If you grew up with older brothers as I did, you might easily remember that they could be your biggest and best tormentors. As protectors, they might only come to life when someone 'else' decided to torment you. Hence protection from them was fleeting. So, just for the record, this same brother has instructed me to "be careful" while dating.... wow, gee, thanks.

However, the Calvary is riding in from the most unlikely place... my son. Who knew, this child with a 'peace corp' heart, has a 'tiger in his tank'? Last Saturday as my date and I were sitting down to dinner, my son (who doesn't call and only texts) called me, twice! The second time, sensing an emergency, I answered.

"Hey, Mom, sorry to interrupt your date, but how do you make onion dip?" Yes, I did laugh out loud! After I dispensed the urgent recipe, he left me with the following heartfelt words, "Okay, well, have fun on your date and let him know that if he does anything wrong I'll have to kill him". Okay, thanks, love you too...

My date is either extremely brave because I'm seeing him again or very confident of his ability to 'behave'. He does however call my children #2 & #3 by their given names and calls #1 son, "Killer".

Harley, Harley, Harley

No, Harley is not his name.  However, if you are dating a man who is currently over 50, the odds of him having a Harley (yes, the motorcycle) are quite high!

Harley motorcycles are in style!  Who knew that this parenting generation of car seats, seat belts and sun screen would someday yearn for the power of the Hog and the Open road.  

I'm not talking about guys with long mustaches,  tattoos, no shirt and a leather vest either.  These men own and wear suits with shirts and ties!

At first my attitude was, 'I'm not dating someone with a motorcycle!'  Okay, that changed pretty quickly when, a.  I realized that that might leave almost no possible dates,  b.  that since both my folks are gone, they'd never know that I'd broken 'the rules' and was riding around town on a 'bike' and c.  It started to seem like, well, okay just a lot of fun!  (Don't tell my kids...)

In an attempt to understand this motorcycle phenomena, I asked my over 50 brother with a motorcycle "why all men over 50 have a motorcycle".  His answer...

"Not all men over 50 have a motorcycle, just those of us who are not afraid to live our dreams"

hmmmmm, he might actually have something here....

What language are we exactly speaking?

As we seem to know, men and women do not necessarily speak the same language. Hmmm, reminds me a bit of the tower of Babel... It is definitely some work to communicate, learn how to be heard and learn to listen, oh ya, this is a big one...

I know a delightful, charming, talented young man who mumbles. What's up with that? I never even understand him until the third response. By then I'm irritated, which makes that listening piece a bit tougher. As I've given birth to this one, I am considering changing his middle name to "What?!?!"

I had dinner with a very polite gentleman, who was Persian. English was not his first language. I can't tell you how hard I had to work to understand him and be understood. I figure this is not good, especially in dating. I call this the double whammy.

Then their was the man from an other country who keep calling me 'something', it sounded like "Hi Baby", which I totally did not understand. It seems, that he was calling me 'dear one' or
'sweet something' in some language. Well, he could have been calling me just about anything.

My theory is that communicating is hard enough, speak the same language at the very least.

And then there is silence.... which can mean, you are both so comfortable there is no need for babel (yep, that tower thing again...) or it can mean you've just spent the evening with someone who in one night has run out of things to say, in this case 'silence is not golden'. It is just a huge warning sign saying "Danger, go back!"

Childhood wish lists

As a child in a large family "Wish Lists" were long and lengthy for birthdays and Christmas. My mother would remind us that we could 'wish' for whatever we wanted, but it didn't mean you'd get it. However, we could wish, shoot for the moon and we did! None of us ever got the pony, jet or Porsche. However, we always received 'something' on our list and it was an aid to those who cared about us to gift us with something we desired.

The interesting phenomena with Internet dating is that those 'wish lists' pop up again. Many of them are concise, balanced and reasonably healthy. Others look like my wish lists of my childhood, long, lengthy and full of unrealistic dreams.

The internet is not the place to find the perfect mate (hint: that does not exist) whether you 'wish' for it or not. It is only the place to expand your options, bump into more people on this journey called life and perhaps one will find a few people who do bring a few of the gifts we desire.

From the mouths of babes...

The benefit of dating when one of your son's is becoming a man, is that you have a whole new male world to get advice from. Granted getting relationship advice from someone who once squirted juice into every one of your kitchen cupboards, or got more detentions than any of your other children combined, or that once played with matches or the best yet, that you've got all those darling bath time photos of, is a bit... well, it's just odd!

However, he is after all a guy! He truly wants me to be happy so at least his advice is coming from the right place. The reality of course is, that none of us knows what the hell we are doing in the dating world, so my theory is keep talking to the people that love you. They're the ones that will cheer you on and wipe your tears and remind you that you are loved, whether 'he' ever calls you again or not!

Hopping about!

Although, I've yet to meet 'my' Prince all this hopping about has done me a world of good. I actually can't believe I'm even realizing it.

True, I have definitely met some toads.... like the guy who'd just shaved his head and wanted me to rub it, at the restaurant no less and we'd just met!!!

It is possible, that the others may very well have been a Prince, just not mine.

However, I've actually gotten comfortable with dating! Meeting someone and being myself and being happy with who I am. Wow, what a gift! If I never get any farther than that, it has been worth it.

I've also gotten better at corresponding truthfully in email, about who I am, why I'm single and what was my part in all of that. Anyone who has been through a divorce 'owns' some part of that and knowing what it is, being willing to be honest about it and finding out that others haven't judged me on this is another gift. From there, I believe I can move on....

So, although I'd hope to not be on the lily pad forever, I've learned a lot and like myself better for it.

Who knows, the latest "Prince in waiting" has offered to make me choc. chip cookies, which in my book is practically a royal gesture! I just hope he doesn't want me to rub his head, well, at least not on a first date.

I need a "Help" button

Have you ever gone to a website, hit the 'help' button and it actually helped you? The last site I was on, I couldn't even find the 'help' button. It should just be called the 'helpless' button!

I am so far out of my league, that it is funny. I am playing Fantasy football!

Not because I like football, which I actually do. Not because I'll be any good at it, which I won't or for any other reasonable answer. I'm playing for the best reason in the world, my son asked me to. Now before you get all teary eyed, he actually just needed some more players and knew me to be a soft touch. So, I'm signed up, well all I was actually able to do so far, was name my team. All other attempts to understand or get ready for the draft and I hit a brick wall! I can't pick the players I do know, because the 'help' button is not helping me. It is probably user error, I don't know enough to even make sense of the help. So, I'm going to sit back and just see how it all works.

My team.... why, Lola's Lambkins....

Are you ready for some football?

This Ain't for Sissies.....

The great thing about on line dating is your rejection rate goes way up! Yes, I really did say that... do I like it? Duh... NO! However, it just maybe part of the process..... and it is actually getting easier.

I've been learning a LOT! I've met men, that I never would have, if I'd stayed in my little comfort zone.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm upset with them, it actually has nothing to do with them at all. The more I can figure that piece out, the healthier I'll get. The healthier I get, the better for us all....

I learning to hear and own the truth and discern and turn away the b.s.
I've learned that I am comfortable with me! Now, what a gift and when did that happen!

What ever happened to my comfort zone?

Back in the dark ages when I was newly married, it always amazed me how many divorced people wanted to give me advice on marriage! It never made any sense. Hello!!! How many times have you seen them interview the loser of the race for advice on what to do differently?!? "Well, gee," says last place runner, "I guess diet coke and Snickers really aren't the breakfast of champions are they? Hmmm..."

So, I now have my first book recomendation... How to get a Date worth Keeping. I'd only recommend reading it, if you are not happy with your dating life and you are willing to look at dating and 'do' dating differently. Which of course stretches our comfort zone, honestly since I started 'dating' I don't even recognize my comfort zone anymore!

The latest 'push' for me is being willing to be meeting/dating/chatting whatever with more than one man. Eeeewwww... can't I just have one date, find out he's a prince or a toad and be done? Apparently not. The point it seems is

1. it is not all about me (who knew) and I might have something to offer the other person (gasp, surprise)

2. I've got lots to learn about me (yep, I was afraid of that)

3. We only learn by expanding our contacts, opportunities and situations.

So, here it is in black and white... for the next few months, I'm 'suppose' to not date just 'one' man. I'm sure I'll have more to say about this so stay tuned....

Blog or not, there are somethings I'm not telling...

Quite frankly gals, I'm amazed at what 'you all' ask me! Now this may just be a small minority, but you'd be surprised what I've been asked about my dates! Actually it makes me blush a bit just thinking about some of the questions I've had thrown my way! From his looks... height... pocket book... marital status... family... and kissing or beyond (yikes!) Beyond, how old is he, where does he live, what does he do, does he have kids, almost all of the other questions make me uncomfortable. Do I want to share and talk about a great date.... you bet! I'll tell you, if he was fun, kind, comfortable to be with, pushy, smoked or had 2 noses, 3 ears and missing teeth.

I'll not tell why or how he came to be single...

if he was a good kisser.....etc!

Even on a blog... somethings that happen with Lola, stay with Lola.

I'm back....

So I guess this venue of rambling thoughts is addictive, so I'm back! I've appointed a good friend to be my very own "Jiminy Cricket" and yank my chain should I let my words get carried away!

I know I'm in a whole new world, one Mom & Dad did NOT ever dream of for their 49 year old daughter! Last week I dutifully went for my annual physical. My doctor is a darling, trendy dressed, bright woman who looks about 25 years old. She is glad I'm dating and then says, "Have we had our STD talk?" Once I'm done blushing, I say, "Ah, no, but have at it!"

An interesting experience

Well, to all of you who've given me encouragement to 'test' my wings in life, whether out on the lily pad, being a mom or writing this blog. I give you my thanks!

I'm going to take a second look and step down from the blog site for a bit, as I sift through my thoughts. I enjoy sharing the humorous ramblings of my mind... perhaps it will take a different form.

The possibility exists that I could hurt either my children's feelings or someone I may be dating and that draws me up a bit short. That is not who I am or who I want to be...

so as I work on figuring this out....

blessings to you all,

Sharing the confusion

Mom dating = confusion for kids and me alike! One of my children adamantly wants me to date, unless of course it looks like I may actually have a date. This same child then quite adamantly knows that they are not ready for me to date! On vacation we were recently in limited cell service, so speaking on the phone was something of an art form, that required great tenacity. My 20 yr old son made it look easy as he chatted nightly with his girlfriend. Getting advice so I can 'talk' on the phone to a man from my son, is nothing short of weird! Just who is raising who here? Coming in later than he did one night after we were both on the phone was even weirder, having him 'call' me on it in the morning.... I just grinned!

It takes a village....

....to get a girl friend ready for a date! Whether it is bowling, coffee or dinner, often I need help and I'll take it where I can find it! Yep, I am not too proud, as last week I relied on the opinions of the two teens at home. Well, some would call that desperate! One voted for one shirt/skirt combo and one voted of course for the other, leaving me no option, but to start over completely. Combo #3 was a success earning two thumbs up from them both! Whew! This is progress as it usually takes 4 outfit changes before being ready to leave the house.

Branching out into new more trendy, upbeat styles requires calling out the A-team... women! So to all you out there, who've helped be get comfortable with new styles, pick out the new jewelry, buy the new outfit or reminded me that feeling good about my appearance is worth the investment this one's for you! I can't push the envelope alone.

About that Roller Coaster...

Sometimes the best part of riding a roller coaster is after you've been waiting in line and you know that the next turn is yours! The anticipation of fun and adventure, oh, the thrill!

You haven't gotten in the seat yet, bumped your knees getting in, sat in something sticky and wonder if this safety belt will really hold you or lurched off yet, completely out of control and not knowing if you'll be exhilarated, wanting to go right back on, or sick to your stomach wondering why you put yourself through these things!

The time between making plans for the first meeting/date is a bit like waiting for your turn on the roller coaster. You've set it up, the time, the place and now the waiting. You're anticipating an "E" ticket adventure, perhaps even a 'Prince'.... Or the other reality is, you could be headed for another of Mr. Toad's Wild Rides.

Words to make me nuts!

The reality is that the opposite sex can drive one crazy with 3 little words... "I'll call you." It sounds good when they say it and sometimes they even do it, but plenty of times.... it just drives me more insane than usual. Mostly, because I want to know "When?" I mean if I knew what to expect I'd handle it much better.

Of course I at 49 am way too calm, cool and collected to do this. After all, I have a life. A great life actually and I really only want a great match. However, with the "I'll call you", what does that really mean.... I'll call you today? I'll call you tomorrow? I'll call you next month? I'll call you, after I've gone out with every other woman on the personal site. Those dangerous daggers of dating!

So, one is left waffling... both 'dumping them in your head' and not even worrying that you're in a location with no cell service, to taking the phone with you even into the restroom 'just in case'....

Now, at 49, I know I should be too old for this! Well, apparently, I am not, sigh!

A Clean Slate...

With the opportunity of 'meeting' more men, comes the chance of being 'passed' on as well. A few days ago, I had the odd occasion to be, well let's say 'passed' on by two men on the same day. Both actually emailed, both had something nice to say and each declared that 'we' were not a match. You know what, they were right! It felt like a clean slate and although it was odd, it was really okay!

Now, I know I've come far.... I knew we were not meant to be, and it actually restored my hope in men, that contrary to popular opinion, they truly were capable of communicating. Wow, who knew!

I'm getting better at rejection, both receiving and giving. I'm not going to all this trouble for just 'any' match. I'm holding out for a good match, yep Polly Anna is back in the house.

The Problem with names...

We know we are getting old when we can't keep our kids names straight. Well, imagine the added confusion with men! Whether you've met them, emailed them or spoken on the phone... there are now a whole host of new names to keep straight! And, it isn't easy sister!

I dated a man named Clyde, who I was forever afraid of calling Claude!

I went to met a man (who wasn't a match, but that is a different story) and all the time I was driving there I kept repeating his name in my head in the hopes of getting it right.

I'm talking to a very nice man now, who has the same name as one of my brothers. No problem,right? Wrong, in my head I keep calling him the name of my OTHER brother!

Now I know, why my father called all of my friends 'Dear'.... he may have had something there!

Being brave...

No matter what any of us bring to this 'dating table', I believe there is an element of bravery. Some may see it as bravado or foolishness.

However I don't think so. It requires a large degree of hopefulness, along with perhaps more bravery than we sometimes think we can muster. For those of us, at mid-life... we haven't gotten here the easy way.

We've been thrown off the horse as it were and it takes great bravery to be willing to put your heart back on the line....

Luckily we only have to be brave one day at a time.

A mother of teenagers and dating....omg!

Well, who would have ever thought those two things would go together! Mother of Teens and Dating!

The nice thing about dating and having teenagers is that when they start to tell you how 'old or out of it' you are, you get to respond with some really sweet replies. My favorite, "Yes, but I have a date tonight!"

My teens want to know very, very little when it comes to my dating. Did you have fun or was he nice.... period!

They definitely do NOT want to know you've bought new underwear and especially do NOT want to know what kind of underwear it is. They do NOT want to really know anything about your date, the date itself or you. And they absolutely and truly do NOT want to know, if you are a good kisser!

(Which by the way....


I am!!!)

Those Jack pot moments

Ahhh.... those jack pot moments... of on line dating!!! This is when you are communicating, they seem nice, but you haven't met yet. Sometimes, like today you may even be 'chating' or moving on to the phone or meeting and there are 2 men, both with hair!

Polly Anna is In the House

I am naive and optimistic by nature, a true "Polly Anna".

In order to 'sort' on line, one has to remain Open Minded. I do want to be an open minded individual and continue to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Just because I had coffee with a Latino who was missing some teeth, doesn't mean all Latinos are missing teeth.

Just because I had coffee with a gentle man of color who was 10 years older than he claimed to be doesn't mean all men of color are.

Just because I had dinner with a man from the middle East who didn't smoke, except like a chimney, didn't drink, but had a gambling problem and was as pushy as a snow plow, doesn't mean all are.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

Remaining non-judgemental and giving people a chance, continues to be who I want to be...

On line dating and artichokes

On line dating is a bit like eating an artichoke. They both have thorns, need preparation or work to make them worth while and you've just got to keep at it, if you ever want to get to the heart!

Patience...

Patience... the dreaded "P" word. I never pray for patience, because you don't 'get' patience. You 'get' the opportunity to practice patience. But yes, Internet dating or dating in general requires patience. This, is without a doubt the hardest part for me to remember. As I am on my Lilly Pad, so is Mr. Reasonably-Right (I hope) and we've got to kiss our toads and hope eventually our Lilly pads collide.

Beauty is certainly in the eye of the beholder. A few photos that just did not entice me were....

Pet dog drinking beer!

The photo of the man in a speedo taken from the head down as to seem naked...

The naked man in a lotus position so there was 'coverage'... scary!

Those taken by camera phone in the bathroom mirror...

Pictures of their new BMW...

or those 'overly' posed..

AND THOSE I LOVED....

pictures playing with their kids, grand kids or dog...

and the dear pictures of men being willing to just show us who they are with honesty, whether it is at their favorite football game or even on their Harley (which is a descussion I'll leave for another time...)

Representation or Re-invention On Line

If you've attempted the world of "On Line" dating sites, you've had the opportunity to fill out their questionnaires. This is the time to represent oneself, however unfortunately some people see this as the time to re-invent themselves!!

I've run into those people (okay men... but I've heard women do it too...) that want to be younger, taller, thinner, richer, funnier and even more 'divorced' than they actually are! Hmmmm, guess what, we're going to figure it out! I'm 6ft. tall, if you say you're 5' 10" and you're really 5' 8".... I'll probably notice... especially when I go to look into your eyes and see over the top of your head instead!

Age, I've heard... but I don't 'feel' 60. Yes, well honey, you are not going to be 51 on your next birthday, so fess up! I am currently 49, but know that so many women lie about their age, that I often feel inclined to say I'm 50 just because 49 looks like a lie!

Size, shape, appearance.... Boy this is a hard one... There are those of us who are hard on ourselves so we say "average" when maybe we are 'slender'. And yet there are those who want to be 'average' when they have a few extra pounds... believe me... your date will probably figure it out! I do have a soft spot for the mid life guys who put down 'athletic' when they are so, so definitely 'average' after all... they were 'athletic' once... and this is just a hard thing to let go of...

My favorite is when the out and out 'liars' make sure we all know, that they are looking for an HONEST relationship...

Dating = Random Acts of Insanity

Men and women were meant to be together, otherwise we'd never 'do' all the things we 'do' in the dating world if it was not the true "Order of Things". Clearly dating creates random acts of insanity! Only in dating do you sit thorough a meal with someone you do not know.... looking like a 'normal' human being and all the while the little voice in your head is screaming... "What are you doing here!!!!"



This little voice has a life of its own unfortunately, and is true regardless of whether the the date is going well or not!