Life in the here and now

A gift or a curse, I've no idea, but I'm currently living most of my life in the 'here and now'. The only long term plan I seem to have is to continue to launch, catapult and turn loose, my noisy, messy, opinionated kids/blessings out into the world.

So, why am I dating, well, for the here and now, I guess (said with a shrug). The companionship, the fun and ability to share today's life with someone else, as it turns out the messy stuff as well as the fun stuff. Oh, yes and for that spark that only a man does bring into my life.

It seems, that there are more things I don't know than do know! (And do not a one of you tell my kids I said that!) I know the following about dating at 49:

1- it can drive you crazy
2- it can make you feel young
3- it can make you feel old
4- it can make you feel pretty
5- it can make you feel alone
6- it can be fun
7- it can be empowering
8- see number 1

Things I do not know:
1- if I'll ever get married again
2- if I'll want to get married again
3- if I'll move and if I do, where I'll go
4- what I'm doing in two weeks, let alone on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter or for that matter my birthday (still 6 months away) the big 5-0!!!

My point is this, I maybe over doing this 'just for today' attitude, but to some extent it is really all I can handle right now. Today, although we as a family seem to be dealing with some crazy stuff life's thrown our way, we are okay. We've a roof over our heads, there's food in the refrigerator and the kids are pretty great!

....and there is a man I'm dating who thinks I'm pretty great too, well life in the here and now, may just not be so bad.

Those little round...

Pills. You know you're in the next phase of life, when everyone you know takes some kind of pill. And it has nothing to do with "THE PILL". It is just about life, being in this age and stage. It is no longer a surprise that someone you are dating takes a pill, it's just which 'one'. The other night I was having a 'late' (10:00pm) night talk with a 'match' and getting ready to call it a day, so I took my 'pill'. Whereby my 'match' remembered he needed to take his 'pill', so in essence we took our pills together. Sheesh, talk about feeling old! There are times that dating makes you feel young, taking your pill with someone is not one of them.

Luckily so far, I've yet to run into anyone who needed or admitted to taking that little blue pill, it is blue right?

Don't mess with my coffee...

Seriously, I know how I like my coffee and that's the way I like it. (Insert a tiny bit of foot stomping here). My children and even some of my friends know exactly how to order Lola's latte.

I think of myself as open minded and ready to try new things. However, don't mess with my coffee! Visiting my son in Spokane recently there is nothing short of a caffeine supply, with drive threw coffee hutches on almost every corner. They had great names also, "Brews Brothers" being just one of many. My question to Corey, "Where's the damn Starbucks?"

I dated a man who roasted his own coffee beans and then ground them and the water temperature had to be just right, to 'make the perfect cup of coffee'. Guess what, I didn't like it. Sure it smelled good, sure I was impressed that he knew how to roast coffee beans, but really, just bring Lola her latte.

I've even been told, that I might be a tad 'spoiled' because I actually like having my coffee in bed. Well, if that is the case, I've come a long way baby and am learning to 'feed the inner Princess'.

So from now on, I'm going to use my latte addiction as the litmus test for men. If they're trying to change my brand or don't know how to order Lola's latte or think it is too expensive, well then I'll just say.... next!

As for the rest of you, Lola likes a Grande Vanilla X-hot latte!!!

How did they get so smart?

At 20, my oldest son is learning the valuable lesson of sometimes keeping one's mouth quiet and confessed how hard it must have been for me to do so at times! A sign of maturity for sure, as we all seem to know people who've never learned this valuable tool.

Also, at 20, I'm amazed at how smart he has gotten, after all this is the same young man that just 2 years ago kept a case of TP in his car, in case of a 'TP-ing' emergency!

He phoned me after a date, wondering how it went. I told him the truth, "Corey, dating at my age is just a bit weird!"

He said, "Mom, I got news for you, dating is a bit weird at any age"

Curfew?

There are two very important reasons to try to schedule dates, when my teens are with their dad. The first is that I do not mix dating and kids. The second is that I don't want them to know when I get home. No! I'm not wild or loose! But there have been a couple of dinner dates that went so well, that I got home close to midnight. Yeah, those were some very great dinners!

Do you have any idea what it is like to get a text from your teen, wanting to know where you are and why you're not home? Hey, I'm the mom, so I don't have a curfew! However, if 'they' think you're out too long... well, your sunk, because you probably are. Remember, whatever I might say can be used right back at me, so "loosing track of time" is a very, very bad reason to be 'late'.

I few months ago, I tried to just have an 'appointment'. That worked pretty well, since in my business, I do have a lot of appointments. However, this was actually a first meeting, where we decided to contect at the zoo. Three hours later, they (those teens) were wondering where in the world I was and what kind of 'appointment' I had. The only trouble now is that if I say I've got an 'appointment', they want to know, is it an appointment-appointment or a 'zoo appointment'!!!

All in all, it still seems best to keep them out of the loop, date after dark and keep 'them' in the dark!

Intro lines

Granted deciding to go onto an Internet dating site, may be the biggest hurdle. Once that is past, however, the 'opportunity' to come up with an intro line is nothing short of challenging. The advice is and I quote, "Grab people's attention and introduce yourself". Oh, great, witty and wonderful all in one line, oh yes, and remember there are thousands of people on line, so make it look original.

I can't tell you how much this challenged me and how often it got changed, looking for my 'fit'.

I imagine men have been as equally challenged. Their intro lines, have managed to amuse, confuse and horrify me.

Here are the following and no, I'm not clever enough to make this stuff up!

"Blue eye Teddy Bear seeks Honey Bunny"
"Hello"
"Fisher Guy seeks great catch"
"Cuddly & Smart seeks Same"

Then the scary ones:

"Stop wasting your time and mine" - opps, maybe a little angry here, click next!
"Let's create a little secret excitement" - no photo, want to guess if he's married?
"Looking for a pillow queen" - more honesty than I can handle
"Dominant Dan seeking Submissive Sally" - just creeps me out

But my favorite, of course are funny!

"Can't find my keys"
"Work in Progress 'Manager' Neeeded"
"Housebroken, Good with Children"
"What! I thought this was a refi ap"
"Hobo, pushed off train"

I knew I was in trouble with this, when I turned to the teens for help. Their advice is mostly unprintable. It actually took me months, but I'm finally comfortable with mine now. Okay, okay here it is, "life is an 'E' ticket"

After that, my first line says, "If you are too young to know what an 'E' ticket is, you are clearly too young for me to date!"

Witty, wonderful and catchy? Probably not and that is OKAY. A bit reflective of me, definitely and that is after all the whole point!

Oh, yes, and I've a date that actually brought me, an old 'E' ticket....

Measures of in-compatability

Okay, I've been 'quiet' perhaps even 'nice' until now with a particular Internet site, but enough is just enough. I won't mention which one, but you'd have to be living in a cave to not figure it out.

The site in question keeps a lot of the 'control' over their data base of interested singles. They have you fill out a long, long questionnaire, which easily takes over an hour. Then they send you potential 'matches'. A few at a time, but they feel that these are specifically matched for you. I've never had more than 8 (a high) matches at any time. I have never openly emailed, talked on the phone or obviously had anything resembling a date with any of these men. Oh, yes, my monthly fee was still collected.

The site tells you to be patient, they are only matching you with other highly compatible personalities. Well, let's be real here, this same site has sent me 'matches' from Oregon, Utah, Nevada and Arizona! Hello, I live in Southern California, with children, dogs, a business and a garden. Coffee in Nevada is just a bit out of my 'matching' zone, no matter how 'open minded' I may be and trust me, I am a bit open!

Then they've got this math problem. Yes, we old (my kids told me I'm old) folks still find it more comfortable for the woman to be at or near the height of her date/match. Once again, hellooooooooo! I am 6 feet tall, which equals 5'12", so matches at 5'8" are still 4" inches shorter than me, yes and this is with OUT heels! Guess what, we don't like this, so again these are not matches, yet this is the majority of the 'highly' compatible matches I've received.

The worst part is being treated a bit like a child. "They" know what is best for me, ahhhh, I don't think so. This is my job, help if you want, however if you can't help, well get out of the way... oh yeah, and cancel my account or give me my money back!

Not for the faint of heart

Dating in general is not for the faint of heart. I realized today, that dating me is perhaps especially not for the weak or those who do not have an affinity for chaos. There is a lot of life happening in this house! Although there are days, that I'm sure I'm loosing or have lost my mind, I truly wouldn't want it any other way.

There are the two dogs, one who will attempt to cover you in his own dog hair and offers unconditionally love and acceptance. The other has a vicious bark and often uses it on men she does not know. She is not easily won over and makes me feel safe. Enter those teenagers... oldest son although away at school is still referred to as "Killer" (see previous ramblings), son #2 keeps us amused and our calendar FULL and child #3 a teenage girl, who has all the resemblance of Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde with a heart as big as Texas and who has just figured out that I'm currently dating a man with the same name as my father, which is freaking her out!

Last night we added a German exchange student for the next few weeks, so 'son' #3 also has a list of activities, an engaging personality and is working on his English.

This weekend.... my older sister arrives today, my younger sister, partner and toddler arrive tomorrow. 4 bedrooms, 2 baths and a whole houseful of folks! Another memorial celebration to attend, for the woman who was a 2nd mother to us. There will be chaos, crumbs and clutter.

Although there was an offer of date #3 being at yet another funeral and coming along, I have respectfully declined and opted for a quiet lunch downtown today instead. After all, there is only so much you want to expose even the brave to at one time!

All weather hugs road....

My little car needs new tires. I got a recommendation from a trusted friend and called Juan for tires. After explaining that I had a little car and drove around town a lot as a Realtor, he said, "So, you want inexpensive, reliable and quality". "Yep", I said, "In fact that's what I'm looking for in a man too".

Romantic Teens

My teenagers are romantic people. They are absolutely 'into' the nuances of romance. They love it and are impressed by it. They especially find it dear when done for their mom. Maybe they are just considerate individuals or perhaps if I am going to date, they need to feel it is going smoothly. I believe that there is just enough high drama in their own teenage life, that they are unable to handle any more in their mom's. After all, if mom is going to have any crazy drama to deal with it should be delivered by them!!

I do not mix my kids and my dates. Well, at least not in the flesh. They do as we know call me during dates, want to know who I'm talking to on the phone and try to offer their input. They also like a 'recap' of sorts after a date, limited best to what did you do, did you have a nice time and he brought you flowers? Wow!

The fact that date number 2 with Mr.B was a funeral brought out chorus's of 'ohhhhh' from them both. Well, see I had to sing at the funeral and he wanted to be with me, so he came, ahhhh, yes to a funeral. You know, maybe my nuts (kids) did not fall far from the Oak tree. I think the kids are right, "ohhhhhhhh".

Who knows, if we had a good time at a funeral, imagine what Disneyland could be like... stay tuned this event is on the calendar...

Bagage Space?

The amazing thing about on line dating, is the opportunity to review, preview or 'discuss' potential 'issues' prior to even meeting or better yet, choosing to meet or choosing to hit the delete button. One of my favorites is 'baggage' and yes, this is exactly how it is referred to on line.

First of all, if you are 50 years old and do NOT have some 'baggage', where exactly have you been? At this point in life, we all have some kids, parents, bad bosses, good bosses, a great career, a disappointing career, illness, success, failure and joy. If you've been a monk and are dating for the first time after leaving the monastery, I'm really pretty sure, that I do not want to date you, yet. Get some more 'baggage', then we'll see.

The request by both men AND women is often seen as "please no baggage". What are these selfish egotist thinking? My theory is that these type of people are so busy with the mess that is their own life, they don't have any room or empathy for anyone else's life. If you still can not get through a meal with out crying about the mess your ex made of 'your' life, or the fact that your mom always liked your brother better or that your life would have been perfect, if your child had just been able to win American Idol, perhaps you should be spending more time with a therapist, and less time on-line.

However, for the rest of us, the issue is not whether you have 'baggage', but rather how it is packed. When venturing out in life, do you have multiple large bags, latches broken, clothes sticking out of the sides, continually dropping a trail of undergarments where ever you go, bumping into people and unable to focus on the joy, energy and excitement of the trip? Or does 'it' all fit in colorful, matching totes? Neatly packed, room for a beautiful gown or hiking boots, bottle of wine or camera, ready for the adventures of living and the opportunity to share what has become your life?

'Baggage'.... bring it on...

Protection, no NOT that kind!!!!

If you grew up with older brothers as I did, you might easily remember that they could be your biggest and best tormentors. As protectors, they might only come to life when someone 'else' decided to torment you. Hence protection from them was fleeting. So, just for the record, this same brother has instructed me to "be careful" while dating.... wow, gee, thanks.

However, the Calvary is riding in from the most unlikely place... my son. Who knew, this child with a 'peace corp' heart, has a 'tiger in his tank'? Last Saturday as my date and I were sitting down to dinner, my son (who doesn't call and only texts) called me, twice! The second time, sensing an emergency, I answered.

"Hey, Mom, sorry to interrupt your date, but how do you make onion dip?" Yes, I did laugh out loud! After I dispensed the urgent recipe, he left me with the following heartfelt words, "Okay, well, have fun on your date and let him know that if he does anything wrong I'll have to kill him". Okay, thanks, love you too...

My date is either extremely brave because I'm seeing him again or very confident of his ability to 'behave'. He does however call my children #2 & #3 by their given names and calls #1 son, "Killer".

Harley, Harley, Harley

No, Harley is not his name.  However, if you are dating a man who is currently over 50, the odds of him having a Harley (yes, the motorcycle) are quite high!

Harley motorcycles are in style!  Who knew that this parenting generation of car seats, seat belts and sun screen would someday yearn for the power of the Hog and the Open road.  

I'm not talking about guys with long mustaches,  tattoos, no shirt and a leather vest either.  These men own and wear suits with shirts and ties!

At first my attitude was, 'I'm not dating someone with a motorcycle!'  Okay, that changed pretty quickly when, a.  I realized that that might leave almost no possible dates,  b.  that since both my folks are gone, they'd never know that I'd broken 'the rules' and was riding around town on a 'bike' and c.  It started to seem like, well, okay just a lot of fun!  (Don't tell my kids...)

In an attempt to understand this motorcycle phenomena, I asked my over 50 brother with a motorcycle "why all men over 50 have a motorcycle".  His answer...

"Not all men over 50 have a motorcycle, just those of us who are not afraid to live our dreams"

hmmmmm, he might actually have something here....

What language are we exactly speaking?

As we seem to know, men and women do not necessarily speak the same language. Hmmm, reminds me a bit of the tower of Babel... It is definitely some work to communicate, learn how to be heard and learn to listen, oh ya, this is a big one...

I know a delightful, charming, talented young man who mumbles. What's up with that? I never even understand him until the third response. By then I'm irritated, which makes that listening piece a bit tougher. As I've given birth to this one, I am considering changing his middle name to "What?!?!"

I had dinner with a very polite gentleman, who was Persian. English was not his first language. I can't tell you how hard I had to work to understand him and be understood. I figure this is not good, especially in dating. I call this the double whammy.

Then their was the man from an other country who keep calling me 'something', it sounded like "Hi Baby", which I totally did not understand. It seems, that he was calling me 'dear one' or
'sweet something' in some language. Well, he could have been calling me just about anything.

My theory is that communicating is hard enough, speak the same language at the very least.

And then there is silence.... which can mean, you are both so comfortable there is no need for babel (yep, that tower thing again...) or it can mean you've just spent the evening with someone who in one night has run out of things to say, in this case 'silence is not golden'. It is just a huge warning sign saying "Danger, go back!"

Childhood wish lists

As a child in a large family "Wish Lists" were long and lengthy for birthdays and Christmas. My mother would remind us that we could 'wish' for whatever we wanted, but it didn't mean you'd get it. However, we could wish, shoot for the moon and we did! None of us ever got the pony, jet or Porsche. However, we always received 'something' on our list and it was an aid to those who cared about us to gift us with something we desired.

The interesting phenomena with Internet dating is that those 'wish lists' pop up again. Many of them are concise, balanced and reasonably healthy. Others look like my wish lists of my childhood, long, lengthy and full of unrealistic dreams.

The internet is not the place to find the perfect mate (hint: that does not exist) whether you 'wish' for it or not. It is only the place to expand your options, bump into more people on this journey called life and perhaps one will find a few people who do bring a few of the gifts we desire.

From the mouths of babes...

The benefit of dating when one of your son's is becoming a man, is that you have a whole new male world to get advice from. Granted getting relationship advice from someone who once squirted juice into every one of your kitchen cupboards, or got more detentions than any of your other children combined, or that once played with matches or the best yet, that you've got all those darling bath time photos of, is a bit... well, it's just odd!

However, he is after all a guy! He truly wants me to be happy so at least his advice is coming from the right place. The reality of course is, that none of us knows what the hell we are doing in the dating world, so my theory is keep talking to the people that love you. They're the ones that will cheer you on and wipe your tears and remind you that you are loved, whether 'he' ever calls you again or not!

Hopping about!

Although, I've yet to meet 'my' Prince all this hopping about has done me a world of good. I actually can't believe I'm even realizing it.

True, I have definitely met some toads.... like the guy who'd just shaved his head and wanted me to rub it, at the restaurant no less and we'd just met!!!

It is possible, that the others may very well have been a Prince, just not mine.

However, I've actually gotten comfortable with dating! Meeting someone and being myself and being happy with who I am. Wow, what a gift! If I never get any farther than that, it has been worth it.

I've also gotten better at corresponding truthfully in email, about who I am, why I'm single and what was my part in all of that. Anyone who has been through a divorce 'owns' some part of that and knowing what it is, being willing to be honest about it and finding out that others haven't judged me on this is another gift. From there, I believe I can move on....

So, although I'd hope to not be on the lily pad forever, I've learned a lot and like myself better for it.

Who knows, the latest "Prince in waiting" has offered to make me choc. chip cookies, which in my book is practically a royal gesture! I just hope he doesn't want me to rub his head, well, at least not on a first date.

I need a "Help" button

Have you ever gone to a website, hit the 'help' button and it actually helped you? The last site I was on, I couldn't even find the 'help' button. It should just be called the 'helpless' button!

I am so far out of my league, that it is funny. I am playing Fantasy football!

Not because I like football, which I actually do. Not because I'll be any good at it, which I won't or for any other reasonable answer. I'm playing for the best reason in the world, my son asked me to. Now before you get all teary eyed, he actually just needed some more players and knew me to be a soft touch. So, I'm signed up, well all I was actually able to do so far, was name my team. All other attempts to understand or get ready for the draft and I hit a brick wall! I can't pick the players I do know, because the 'help' button is not helping me. It is probably user error, I don't know enough to even make sense of the help. So, I'm going to sit back and just see how it all works.

My team.... why, Lola's Lambkins....

Are you ready for some football?